Ask Amy: Daughters boyfriend not a good match for parents
DEAR AMY: Our adult daughter is intelligent, but her choice in a boyfriend has us worried.
She has a college degree and has always been a hard worker. Her mother and I have stressed the importance of education in today’s working world.
Her boyfriend graduated from high school but lacks interest and motivation to improve his education and chances of getting a better-paying job. They have been dating for almost a year and they seem to be getting more serious.
Our concern is that he is looking for someone to support him (he is several years older than our daughter).
I think of what I had accomplished by the time I was his age, and I don’t understand my daughter being interested in him for a long-term relationship (and possibly as a spouse).
Our daughter is in her mid-20s. How can we express our concerns without her going on the defensive, thus pushing her closer to her boyfriend? -- Worried Parents
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DEAR PARENTS: Before figuring out how to express your concerns, you should determine why you have concerns, and why your concerns should make a difference to your daughter’s dating life.
Your daughter is dating someone who is less accomplished than you were at his age. Although he is working, you don’t like the level of his ambition or achievement. No doubt, you feel she could do better — and you may be right.
But rather than focus on his faults as you perceive them, you should consider what about him appeals to your daughter. Is he gentle, kind and sweet? Does he treat her well? Is he respectful and helpful? Does he cheer her on? (If you’re not sure what qualities draw her to him, ask her an open-ended question: “What are the things you like the most about him?”)
If the answer is “yes” to any of the above questions, then you needn’t confront your daughter about her guy’s deficits. If you believe he doesn’t treat her well, then do your best to influence her to reconsider the relationship, understanding that she is an adult and therefore gets to have whatever relationships she chooses.
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You have a substantial emotional investment in your daughter (and by extension her partner) but you aren’t dating her guy — she is.
DEAR AMY: I am the mother of three children who enjoy going to my mom and stepfather’s house to spend the night. The issue is that my stepfather smokes in their home and vehicle.
I have spoken to them and stated that my husband and I do not want our children around smoking. I asked that he not smoke in the home and car when our children are there.
My children have come home and told us that he continues to smoke in their presence. They also tell us that they don’t eat at times when they are there, and do not take baths after playing outside with pets.
Share this articleShareI do know that the couple’s cleanliness is not the greatest. Their dog has been ill with untreated illnesses.
Due to all these factors I have decided not to let my children in the home. It is my job to protect them, and I feel my mom and stepfather should respect my wishes.
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Am I overreacting? And how should I handle this situation, since saying something before has not changed anything? -- Protective Mother
DEAR MOTHER: You are the parent and you get to decide the conditions under which your children will spend the night. Given what you report, your choice seems appropriate.
You cannot control your parents’ behavior. You can only declare your parameters and be consistent in your own behavior.
I hope you find other ways for your kids to enjoy being with their grandparents.
DEAR AMY: “Crazy Cousin” wondered why he/she was “unfriended” on Facebook. Crazy should take a look back at his/her own Facebook posts. Possibly he/she is the reason for the unfriending. Posts that seem benign to one person can be offensive to another. -- B. Schober
DEAR B: Absolutely. This is great advice for anyone facing backlash on Facebook. Thank you for the suggestion.
Amy’s column appears seven days a week at
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Amy Dickinsonor Ask Amy, Chicago Tribune, TT500, 435 N. Michigan Ave., Chicago, Ill. 60611.
2014 by the Chicago Tribune
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