NEWS SUCKS UP TO SOME PRETTY SICK MINDS

I’ VE been thinking that if this gig doesn’t work out, I’d get into a line of work that gives me more TV and media exposure.

Something more in the line of say, mass murderer.

Really, it’s the only way to guarantee the exposure I so rightfully deserve. It’s the only way to rub shoulders with the best of the best in the news biz.

One big shooting spree, and Diane, Barbara, Mike, Sam, Ed, Morley — all of them –would be fighting to interview me and hear my brilliant thoughts on life, death and government.

In two minutes, my life’s literary ramblings would be turned into best selling tomes — no matter how phony and bad it is.

I could sell my paintings in art shows and on-line like John Wayne Gacy (33 boys murdered), and spew about how I’m actually the new Jesus Christ like Charles Manson (seven dead), or even talk about the talking dog who made me what I am today, ala David Berkowitz (six killed, seven wounded).

I, too, want to be a media darling like Timothy McVeigh (168 killed), Sammy The Bull (19 admitted murders), Justin Volpe, (one really disgusting act that nearly killed a man) and John and Patsy Ramsey, (only indicted by the very media they are now courting and who’s courting them back).

I mean these people get more TV time than Regis Philbin!

On Sunday, McVeigh appeared in all his glory airing his views on government on “60 Minutes,” with Ed Bradley, no less.

I always love to hear the filth spit out by a man who caused the kind of misery and suffering once reserved for the likes of Slobadan Milosovic and Idi Amin.

Then this Friday night, Barbara Walters “does” the Ramseys, before they move onto a full week of exposure with Katie Couric on “Today.” Finally, they’re off to “Larry King Live!”

Rumors abound of course, that everyone is trying to nail Justin Volpe. I, for one, would be riveted to hear his views on law enforcement and broom handles.

Remember the old days when shows like “60 Minutes,” “20/20,” “Primetime” and “The Today Show” disdained the tasteless exploitation of tabloid shows like “Hard Copy” and “Inside Edition?”

While those shows were bottom feeding with the likes of John Wayne Gacy and David Berkowitz, “60 Minutes” was taking the higher ground with Barbara Streisand, Gen. William Westmoreland, and Third World dictators.

The “legits” gave that notion up fast enough–or about as fast as it took for the tab show ratings to come in–and did what anyone in a free enterprise economy would do. They adopted the tab genre, renamed it journalism, and joined in the hunt for the world’s most despicable humans.

Horrible real life just makes for more exciting-sounding TV than made-up dramas, I guess.

Don’t believe me? This from yesterday’s TV listings:

1) “Brett Tonkin accused of vehicular homicide after a car he was chasing crashed.”

And 2) “Fancy tries to rebuild his relationship with a colleague.”

The first one’s from “Dateline” and the second one is from “NYPD Blue.”

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